Janice Niederhofer now elaborates on establishing rapport with a cyber predator, focusing on language matching techniques and the use of so-called VAK senses.
Build Rapport, then Move Forward
For rapport to exist between you and a cyber predator, you have to have 3 things: understanding, appreciation, and respect in the interaction. And here’s the deal: don’t ever assume you have rapport. You’ve got to make sure. I call it “dipping your toe in the water”.
For example, to make it really simple: let’s say you have an intimate partner, someone you’ve known for a long time and you know each other well. And you come home one day and you walk in the door and you say: “I want to buy a new car.” And you intimate partner turns around and says: “What?!” Well, you didn’t have rapport. You’ve got to check it and make sure you have rapport.
Now, how do you apply that to a cyber predator? When you’re communicating with this, what I like to refer to as a cockroach, you’re communicating with this cyber predator, and you just spoke to them via communicating on the Internet yesterday, the day before, maybe a week before. When you start communicating again today, check in, build rapport, use some of the keywords and things we’re going to go over today, that you know he uses as the visual, auditory, kinesthetic. Build rapport, then move forward. Don’t move forward unless you have rapport.
Language, Symbols and the Flow of ConversationNow, the quickest way to built rapport to get to that 99% of the person, the critter brain, the unconscious, subconscious part of that person, is three very specific skills that are simple, very simple to get. First of all, language: keywords are very important, phrases, and visual-auditory-kinesthetic.
The next part is symbols – for goodness’ sake, symbols are so popular out there on the Internet; you almost have to have a dictionary for symbols for the Internet.
And the flow of the conversation, the length of the conversation, the same tone and similar emotions is what the cyber predator has. So let’s break this down.
Now, you know that the umbrella is rapport, and under rapport we’re going to begin to match those three categories: language, symbols, and the flow of communication.
Match the Predator’s RealityNow, matching, what specifically can we match? And what does matching mean? When you match the cyber predator’s communication, style of communication, if you will, then they believe that you know them in their world. Are they by chance a little different than you are? I would think so; maybe their values and rules are a little bit different than yours. But they’re going to begin to think that you know them in their world; that you appreciate and respect their life in their world. And they’re going to begin to feel that you understand what they value, which probably is going to be opposite.
And you’re speaking the same language. What do I mean by language? Not English, or Spanish, or Chinese; no, I mean the same communication language, the same world language, “you’re singing the same song” kind of language. Does that make sense?
There is appreciation, acceptance and respect in the interaction; and then when trust becomes appropriate and safe, when they feel that they can begin to trust, that they’ve now moved you into a solid victim and they’ve got you hooked, they’ve got you manipulated – then they begin to feel it’s ok to lower their resistance to outside influence. And guess who’s the outside influence? You. You’re the outside influence. And their main goal is to prey on you, manipulate you so that you become a victim.
VAK SensesFirst thing you want to match, as I began to mention earlier, is visual-auditory-kinesthetic. Now, we all have 5 senses: visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory, which is smell, and gustatory, which is taste. We’re going to work with the three main ones that you see commonly throughout written communication (see image). And keep in mind that all of us tend to favor one or two of these modalities. Like, I’m very visual-kinesthetic, I have to see it and feel it before I move on.
Visual, obviously, is the sense of sight; auditory is the sense of hearing; kinesthetic is two-pronged: it’s people’s emotions – you cannot not feel; and the other prong of kinesthetic is tactile – like bright lights, the heat, the feel of your clothing on your body. When we speak tactile, that’s what we’re talking about – emotion and tactile; kinesthetic.Now, when you read people’s written communication, they’re going to give you big clues of where they live, so to speak: whether they are visual, auditory, or kinesthetic, or a combination of a couple of them. And here’s just a few simple words to demonstrate, out of the hundreds of thousands of words that they can pick, to let you know if they live in the auditory, visual or kinesthetic world (see image).
Here is an example of what they might say in written communication: “I can see what you’re saying,” “Oh, I can get a good look at that”, “Did you get a glimpse of that?” That would be visual.
Auditory would be something as simple as: “Did you hear that?”, “I can really hear the sound of that”, “That resonates with me.” That’s auditory.
Now, kinesthetic folks – I love these guys – they’ll say: “Hmm, I can wrap my mind around that”, “That feels good to me.” They can mix the two, for example visual-kinesthetic: “I see what you’re saying and it feels really great to me.”
When the cyber predator begins to use this language, which is immediately, you begin to match it. For goodness’ sake, don’t mismatch it, unless you’re doing it for a reason.
Match the LanguageThe next part you want to match is language, when you match the cyber predator’s language patterns, what he is using, what he is saying. When he communicates with you, you can feed back exactly what the subject wrote with a brief preface, or you can use the exact sentence as summary, or a symbol, or whatever he has – you can feed back something specific in the communication. You never want to go outside the frame of what the guy is saying; you want to stick in his world, you want to stay in the 99% of his unconscious brain; you want to stay in that and appeal to that part, because when you do, he’s going to feel safe, he’s going to trust you, and you’re going to be able to move him forward to where you want him to go. You can get him to do anything. I’ve gotten crooks to tell me things that they swore they wouldn’t tell anybody, and they had a lot to lose, including their entire life, all their assets, their family, everything; and I would get them to tell me the truth. How? By doing exactly this.
Keywords, here we go. When people communicate they choose certain words to carry the meaning and the values of their experience based on their model of the world, based on their world, based on their past experiences. These words have value for the person and they’re not choices.
When you speak you think you’re kind of creating new stuff – no, it’s all coming from up here, and they’re not choices. Whatever comes out of your lips, comes from your world, from your experience. Same with the cyber predator. And it’s their memory, it’s the memory that the cyber predator has of their experience, not ours. It’s what’s important to this guy, not what’s important to us. What’s important to us is stop the guy, obviously. But we want to get into his world and find out what’s important to this cyber predator, and speak to him in those exact terms.
Cyber predators are master manipulators, and will match your communication to enter into your model of the world to gain your trust. You become the victim because they’re so good.
Cyber predators are master manipulators, and will match your communication to enter into your model of the world to gain your trust and make you a victim. They hunt, they’re like a con artist. Have you ever met a con artist? Hopefully not. I have. They are phenomenal master manipulators. They can manipulate anything.